The Good, The Bad and The Dying

I like nights. On the plus side you get time to play around with stuff, like revision etc, that you normally wouldn't have time to do during the day. On the downside the time drags out and there isn't anyone to txt or call because they are all at home tucked up in bed!

I did a night shift last night. It went pretty well considering we have several confused patients on the ward. All of them slept well through the night with no issues raised.

At around 04.30 I went to check on a lady of mine who, if I'm honest, I've grown quite attached to. She is usually intermittently confused at night, reaching out to the air and calling out names. Last night she was a little more confused than normal and was not making sense with her words but was uttering pure gibberish. But in the early hours whilst checking on her she tilted her head back and became only responsive to pain.

I immediately called the nurse and I took some obs. I had not a clue what was going on but all I knew was that she wasn't very well. As time went on it was clear that she possibly had a TIA, to you and me, a mini stroke.

She was shaking all over and was unable to speak or swallow. She displayed no one sided weakness and was able to squeeze my hands with a little effort. If I put all the clinical stuff to one side for a moment, this lady was scared. She did not know what was going on and she couldn't speak to me, she could only hear and see me. She despairingly stared at me waiting for me to tell her what was going on, but I couldn't. All I could do was hole her hands and reassure her. It broke my heart.

What I have come to realise is that every single patient has an effect on you, even if you don't realise it, even the bad ones. But last night that lady took a part of me, a precious part of me that I so desperately wanted to hold on to. I will go back into work tonight and see how she is, I just hope that when I do see her that she has recovered enough to say hello and give me a little smile.