Oooops

In my state of confusion and tiredness last night I have managed to spill Ribeena all over my Clinical Placement Document......

BIG No No....

Help?!

I don't want to die

At 02.30am, you would hope to be fast asleep. However, the other night I was roused from my slumber to find my mother hovering over me.

'Wake up, I don't feel right'

I instructed her to return to her bedroom where I would follow her in and check her over. From one look at her I could tell that she was not compromised in any way. She was nice and pink and was not short of breath or suffering from chest pain. After asking some more questions she revealed that she had indeed had chest pain but two hours previous to waking me up.

'I'm going to die aren't I?'

I was truly lost for words, unable to put on that calm and cool exterior I have managed to perfect at work, instead I just opted for the tactile approach and hugged her tight. Rocking her gently as she let the tears flow for the possibility of not seeing another birthday.

'Your not going to die mum, I won't let you'

I don't think I could bear losing my mother. I'd lose myself.

Just One of Those Days

Today I found myself feeling a bit like Eeyore. Sat under a dirty great big cloud that just rained on me all day. I am unable to pin point what exactly is making me feel like this. Some people can say 'I lost my job' or 'There was a death in the family', but I am unable to give such simple and easy to figure out excuses.

Instead I am stuck in a bubble of confusion and chaos, not quite knowing how I feel about anything. Most of the time I am 'OK', I am able to function and get on with things, but then there are times when I could just find the highest point and scream at the top of my lungs. It is these times when I experience the most immense feeling of frustration. Most of the time for quite trivial reasons, but then other times it is because I have enclosed myself into a false sense of truth. I make accusations, I call everyone a liar and worst of all I push everyone away; usually the people I care most about. I am mature enough now to know that a lot of it originates from my childhood but then also from what I've been through as an adult. I am only in my early twenties but I already feel like I have lived a lifetime.

I tried to make some choices today but I found myself going around in circles unable to find the right answers. I made a few phone calls about jobs, accommodation, further education etc and I have come out the other side none the wiser.

I just don't quite know what to do with myself.

Hiding Place

During handover I stare intently at what has been typed on the A4 page in front of me, underlining the 'important' parts and annotating the jobs I need to do for the rest of the day. Then we move on to the next patient and we do the same again, until all 20 patients have been handed over to the day staff.

What follows is the usual awakening of the ward. The lights are switched on, curtains are opened and patients begin to stir in their beds ready for the day ahead. Some will be seen by the consultant, others may not be so lucky. Then some will venture down to radiology and others to clinical measurements. It is a cardiac ward after all so the possibilities are endless!

All that is left for me to do is learn some stuff, but where do I start?!

Life on the ward for any student is extremely demanding. Your supernumerary status is often breached, you are given a work load that even the trained nurse would run a mile from and you also often find yourself looking for places to hide. My current hiding place is the disposal cupboard. The stench is often difficult to bear but I thought it was worth it.