Scary

I am getting closer to the end of my Diploma which is scaring the bejeesus out of me. The majority of the time I am quite excited about gaining my registration and becoming an autonomous practitioner. However, the rest of the time I just want to hide away and continue to use my; 'but I am supernumerary, I'm a student' excuse.

I have passed my exams and I have just one essay left to complete. Then I could be coming to a hospital near you. Watch out!

Better late than never

Wow, somehow I have managed to miss Christmas and the New Year on here. So Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Ready to Quit

I have recently started a new clinical placement and I can safely say that I am not enjoying it one bit. I have spent every shift following my mentor around like a puppy dog, which seems to be here style of teaching. I have also been shouted at every day for the most trivial of things. The majority of the staff on the ward are great and have made me feel welcome but out of two final year student nurses, me being one of them, I got the short straw. My male colleague got THE best mentor ever and I got the rat shite. It sucks.

On my first day I upset the ward sister. Not because I harmed a patient or misbehaved but because I spoke to a Dr. Yes, I spoke to a Dr. My patient returned to the ward after having major abdominal surgery, his blood pressure dropped and he became restless and clammy. I informed the outreach nurses and called the on call Dr. To cut a long story short, the Dr approached me to give me some instructions regarding the patients care, so that I could pass it on to my mentor. When the Dr left and I turned around there she was right behind me, arms folded.

'Why were you talking to the Dr?'

'He was giving me some instructions about Mr Smith for the next few hours'

'But your not the registered nurse'

'but...'

'my office on Friday please'

....and that was that. I had the meeting where I was verbally kicked in the ribs for being an 'insolent' student who disobeyed orders. Hardly fair eh?

I have four more weeks left on this ward, lets hope I survive it.

All that for an upset tummy....

At the weekend I had the pleasure of volunteering and being a member of the nursing team. (Obviously I was out practicing as a student under the supervision of a suitably qualified mentor). This role took me up and down the Southbank several times in order to re-assess patients.

Now, don't get me wrong I love what I do but I dislike being called upon by a member of staff who is equally if not more qualified to assess patients than I am. By this I mean, ambulance crews who are trained to perform certain examinations in order to build a list of potential diagnosis in order to rule each out as the examination goes on.

For example, on Sunday I was based outside of City Hall and with an area to cover that would take me on a 2 mile round trip without a vehicle I was somewhat reluctant to answer minor calls which could be covered by ambulance crews. After all, Nurses do not operate pre-hospitaly so the demand for one would be unnecessary if there were an alternative, say an ambulance crew, near by.

On this particular occasion the call was for a 27 year old female with upper abdominal pain. What would your first impressions be? Mine consisted of, ectopic pregnancy, GI Bleed, numerous Gastric problems, trauma etc etc. The list is endless. Include the fact that that was all the details I had for this patient. Upon arrival, after a mile of brisk walking through dense crowds, I find the young lady laying supine on a stretcher. My initial thought is that she doesn't look unwell, which is usually a good sign!

Her obs were stable and there was nothing significant in the menstrual history to suggest to me that she could be pregnant, no PV/PR bleed and the rest of the physical assessment didn't flag up anything significant. Abdomen was soft and non-tender. So there I was with a young lady with abdominal pain who seemed to be quite anxious but none the less, quite well.

'When did you last eat?'

In a strong Spanish accent.. 'About an two hours ago, some paella'

'Do you know what was in the food?'

'Sea food'

BINGO!

I had just discovered that this lady had a minor case of the poops. Do you think I was pleased about this? No. I certainly was not.

Although, not to discourage you from asking for help if you ever need a second opinion, it is always best to be safe than sorry in these kinds of circumstances. Just don't boast to me all day about being one of 'the' best ambulance crews and then flap over a minor case of the poops!

Blind

'Do you mind just feeding the lady in bed D'...

This is often a question I am asked both as a student nurse and as a health care assistant. Most of the time I don't question the nurse and off I go before their meal gets cold; but on some occasions, and this one in particular, I felt the need to ask why.

'She is blind'

So there was my answer. Pretty simple you would think? Although we could delve into this so much further couldn't we. I want to know why the fact the patient is blind plays any part in her being able to feed herself? Why must being blind render her useless and unable to function as a human being?

The patient in question was an elderly lady. She was in hospital for a few days after a hypoglycemic attack (low blood sugar). Her uncontrolled Diabetes took her sight six years ago and since then she hasn't quite come to terms with it. As I approach her I hold her hand and introduce myself, trying not to shout because after all, there isn't anything wrong with her hearing!

'Oh hello dear, no thank you. If you put the bowl in front of me I shall find it'

I arranged her tray so that everything was in the right place for her. Bowl in the centre, spoon on the right and drink on the left. This made her relax and she was soon gulping down her cornflakes like they were going out of fashion. It was at that point that a thought struck me.

How would i feel/react if I just suddenly lost my sight?!

One day you can see. You are able to interact with your environment doing things independently and then all of a sudden you are trapped in this dark place. unable to see what dangers may surround you or if there is an unsuspecting first year student nurse ready to shovel your food into your mouth! It must be the most scariest thing I can imagine happening to me.

I always thought that what ever happens to me physically wouldn't matter as long as I was alive. However, now I do not want to lose any of my senses.

New Year, New Term

It is not very often that I get to write in this blog. Occasionally I will get the inkling to write something deep and profound but I just can't seem to find the words. Instead, this time I am just going to write about how my life stands right this very moment; and I apologise in advance if it is not as glamorous as it should be!

To begin with I have started my final year of nursing *round of applause*. This excites me and scares me all at the same time which is a new experience. I suppose the thought of finally being responsible for all those patients and to a greater extent, myself, is a thought that fills me with dread. (I get an odd lingering bubbly feeling in the pit of my stomach even as I am writing this!) What excites me is that when I qualify it will be the time my life begins. I don't know where that will take me but I am looking forward to the adventure.

In other areas I am still having a constant battle with who I am and who I want to be, not to mention who everyone else wants me to be! Sometimes, being yourself just isn't enough and most of us find this out the hard way. My family struggle to see where my 'caring' gene came from so I am the black sheep of the bunch. Although I am there for all of them 24/7, this kind of unconditional love for my family is very rarely returned which I am still struggling to get used to. However, I am learning to walk alone.

Boys. What can I say about boys. Well, to be honest I think I would rather do without boys in my life. They make things so complicated and they make you cry. Often it is their fault which they will never admit to and I am left taking full responsibility and feeling like I'm doing everything wrong. The truth is, I have done nothing wrong and have been nothing but nice to them. My current partner would not agree with this!

Ultimately I am having a good time. I am looking forward to a good year and hopefully this time next year I will blog about being a qualified Nurse!

Oooops

In my state of confusion and tiredness last night I have managed to spill Ribeena all over my Clinical Placement Document......

BIG No No....

Help?!

I don't want to die

At 02.30am, you would hope to be fast asleep. However, the other night I was roused from my slumber to find my mother hovering over me.

'Wake up, I don't feel right'

I instructed her to return to her bedroom where I would follow her in and check her over. From one look at her I could tell that she was not compromised in any way. She was nice and pink and was not short of breath or suffering from chest pain. After asking some more questions she revealed that she had indeed had chest pain but two hours previous to waking me up.

'I'm going to die aren't I?'

I was truly lost for words, unable to put on that calm and cool exterior I have managed to perfect at work, instead I just opted for the tactile approach and hugged her tight. Rocking her gently as she let the tears flow for the possibility of not seeing another birthday.

'Your not going to die mum, I won't let you'

I don't think I could bear losing my mother. I'd lose myself.

Just One of Those Days

Today I found myself feeling a bit like Eeyore. Sat under a dirty great big cloud that just rained on me all day. I am unable to pin point what exactly is making me feel like this. Some people can say 'I lost my job' or 'There was a death in the family', but I am unable to give such simple and easy to figure out excuses.

Instead I am stuck in a bubble of confusion and chaos, not quite knowing how I feel about anything. Most of the time I am 'OK', I am able to function and get on with things, but then there are times when I could just find the highest point and scream at the top of my lungs. It is these times when I experience the most immense feeling of frustration. Most of the time for quite trivial reasons, but then other times it is because I have enclosed myself into a false sense of truth. I make accusations, I call everyone a liar and worst of all I push everyone away; usually the people I care most about. I am mature enough now to know that a lot of it originates from my childhood but then also from what I've been through as an adult. I am only in my early twenties but I already feel like I have lived a lifetime.

I tried to make some choices today but I found myself going around in circles unable to find the right answers. I made a few phone calls about jobs, accommodation, further education etc and I have come out the other side none the wiser.

I just don't quite know what to do with myself.

Hiding Place

During handover I stare intently at what has been typed on the A4 page in front of me, underlining the 'important' parts and annotating the jobs I need to do for the rest of the day. Then we move on to the next patient and we do the same again, until all 20 patients have been handed over to the day staff.

What follows is the usual awakening of the ward. The lights are switched on, curtains are opened and patients begin to stir in their beds ready for the day ahead. Some will be seen by the consultant, others may not be so lucky. Then some will venture down to radiology and others to clinical measurements. It is a cardiac ward after all so the possibilities are endless!

All that is left for me to do is learn some stuff, but where do I start?!

Life on the ward for any student is extremely demanding. Your supernumerary status is often breached, you are given a work load that even the trained nurse would run a mile from and you also often find yourself looking for places to hide. My current hiding place is the disposal cupboard. The stench is often difficult to bear but I thought it was worth it.